ericboy's Diaryland Diary

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\"The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row/ it seems farther / than ever before\" - Death Cab for Cutie

The guy next to me in the computer is lab is one cursed with no inner monologue. He rumbles and mumbles under his breath, but has no individual voice, so I hear indiscernible mutterings as well as his obvious responses to pop-ups and navigation devices. Of all my shortcomings, and there are many, this is not one. I view and observe him as damaged, broken, and incapable of functioning in society. Next time I get to thinking that I'm a useless piece of shit, I should put my characteristics on a blackboard next to his and thank my lucky stars.
Then again, how does this non-partisan, degenerate fool view me? As much as I possess over him, am I not still lacking function in the same vein as he, feeling outside of every social situation to some indecipherable shortcoming? Am I not on-par and exactly like him in this way? Isn't my judgement characteristically and wholly off-base?
Aren't we all damaged? I should not throw a twelve-sided-die and decide who is inferior and who is to be emulated. I am a piece of shit just as much as the others that fall under my analytical eye, if not more. The more I hear and dismiss his mutterings, the more I believe that I'm in the wrong.
I hate being awake at this hour, because it conjures thoughts that I have no justice thinking. Not to mention it gives me audience and insight to an element that I needn't shift my focus to. The more dilapidated that I find them to be, the more critical I am of my choice to share space and time with them. I really should be asleep right now.

2:05 a.m. - 2005-11-15

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