ericboy's Diaryland Diary

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\"Take a walk down the highway / Down my way / Take a walk when you feel miserable\" - Starflyer 59

I'm oddly introspective lately but I suppose that's just the side-effects of being off of work for two weeks. Without contractual obligations to take up large portions of my time, my mind is able to wander and alternately focus and fuzz on anything and everything. My vacation was nice. I started a novel and I'm at 6700 words or so. I typed up what I have of my memoirs and e-mailed that to some folks. I sent a short story to a magazine that pays a whopping five bucks on acceptance. Lookout, big spender!!
The band played five gigs while I was on vacation. I had maybe two or three nights when I wasn't drunk. I read Catcher in the Rye. I bought and watched Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. I slept a lot. I visited some websites about playwrighting contests but I haven't initialized anything yet because the damn reader's fees are too expensive. I spent lots and lots of money.
So, here I am, on Sunday night, getting my mind geared up to go back to work in less than twelve hours, but I can't get it out of the past. Mistakes that I've made and limited failures are fluttering up at me from behind my eyelids, conjured from an analytical machine that I can't power down, no matter how many depressants I throw at it.
Some days I want to trade my life for someone else's, but I know that there are very few people out there who have everything they want. Maybe I don't have an intact family unit, but if I transmogrified myself into the life of a person that did, their existence would lack something else that I feel that I need. No one is whole. No one is complete. We're all walking around with gaping wounds and scars, but that's why we don't need to feel envy our jealousy. I don't need your life because it's scarred, too. I don't need your scars because I have my own. It's as simple as that. For every advantage that someone has over you they have hindrances to match. Yin and Yang.
Why do I feel like I'm discovering this now for the first time? I used to think I was smart but lately I'm not so sure. This all seems so fundamentally basic, yet I'm just now catching on. Maybe I should slow down on the drinking.

7:06 p.m. - 2005-11-13

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