ericboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- \"Wear the grudge like a crown / negativity / calculate what we will / will not tolerate\" - Tool Some call this "Karma". In Stephen King's Dark Tower universe, this is called ka. I call it "shit". I've hurt so many people in my short time on this planet. I've always tried to do the right thing and almost always failed. No one person has ever seen fit to lash out against me and I've never received my "just desserts" at the hand of any one messenger of fate. The weapon of choice that has been chosen to bring forth my retribution is quite possibly the most powerful and fitting destructive tool that could be used against me in light of all I've done: me.I am scared shitless. My violence is welling up inside of me and I cannot stand it. While walking home tonight, trains of thought careened through my head that had my pulse quickening and my head lightening and my fists clenching. I had to literally snap my head aside to try and physically shake these thoughts away. I wanted to scream. I wanted to rage. I wanted to kill something.I wanted someone to push my button, pull my trigger, give me a reason. I wanted to hear the pop and feel cartilage collapse in someone's trachea beneath my tightening grasp. For honking at the car in front of them at the red light; for screaming something asinine out of the window of their passing car; for flaunting their happiness in the face of my sick depression.I'm changing. Everyone sees it. People who have no social skills whatsoever and can hardly read street signs see it in my face and hear it in my voice. "Are you okay?" they ask. I say "no" and they walk away. Because no one cares. No one gives a fuck about me and it's as it should be. After all that I've been through and all that I've done, I don't deserve to have someone care. I don't deserve to have anyone care. All I can hope for is that I can someday forgive myself.I haven't written anything in well over a month. I'm scared to. I'm scared of what will come out. What depths of depravity will I conjure up this time? I feel my substance slipping away and being replaced by mannequins of reality that take up space but are hollow on the inside. I go to work, go to rehearsal, have empty conversations with people, read a book, and go to sleep. The next day I do exactly the same fucking thing. I think it's time for me to leave San Diego.It has outlived its usefulness to me. I just passed the year mark at Border's and I haven't made any real improvement in the company. I need to finish directing my second play, take the experience and the seven goddamned dollars and go home to Texas where I belong. Where people like me can be alone and drown in a bottle on a nightly basis while only making seven-fifty an hour at a shit-ass dead-end job. I really do feel like this is it: I have finally, really, and without doubt or placebo, gone crazy. My mind is turning against me and I can't stop it. I don't want to be an actor, a singer, a writer, or a lover. I just want to be left alone to drink and think and wake up and go back to sleep again. I want to live the worry-free life of a normal person who has no creative ambitions and can just sit in front of the TV, tune in, and tune out. I want to step in line with the walking dead. I want to make a living and never question the way that I'm living. I want to do nothing without the bothersome questions in my mind of why I'm not doing "something". I'm never going to go anywhere as an actor; there's just no market. I'll never make it as a singer; my goals are too diverse and I bore too easily to stick with a band. I'll never make it as a writer; I'm tapped out and have nothing more to say. My "friends" lifted me up to believe that I was a great writer, among other things. They said that great novelists that they'd read reminded them of me; not the other way around. They say I'm brilliant. I get compliments all the time on what a great actor/writer/singer/funnyman I am, but no one is there when I'm me. When I'm crying or sad or tired or even happy and want someone to celebrate with; no one is ever there. I am totally and utterly alone. The build-up of "great entertainer" hero juxtaposed with the severity of "face-in-the-crowd" everyman is too much for me to bear and makes all my achievements seem small and worthless. I don't believe in anything anymore. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to entertain you anymore. I don't want to be anybody's clown or fairweather friend. I want to disappear...10:59 p.m. - 2004-09-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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