ericboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- \"I keep thinking / and thinking always gets me in trouble\" - Ill Nino Alright, first things first: Is it just me or am I disturbingly insightful when I'm drunk? I don't even remember writing that last entry and yet it seems so cognizant and revelatory and...shit, good. Oh well, I'm drinking right now. [aside: lousy booze hound] Who said that? Why do we always have to define ourselves by other people? Why is our happiness always dependent on our social situation or environmental factors of an anthropological nature? I've been feeling great, lately. But, then again, I've been hanging out with this great gal who makes me feel great about myself. At first it was trepidacious and confusing, and I was apprehensive and confused. But I was listening to what she was saying; her ego-philosophical views on the world and our immediate social universe. It all made sense. With that in mind (not to be confused with her in mind; I don't change myself for other people; I change myself for myself) I adopted a more positive outlook on life and a desire to become a stronger person. And I've done that. It also happens that things between us clarified and crisped at the edges and we're having a wonderful, rollicking good time together. She makes me feel good, about myself and a lot of other things. Things are good. I am good. But I don't want to believe that it's only my time spent with her. Since I turned over that new leaf in my life, a lot of things have been good. I'm more productive and even-tempered at work. I have more confidence in the few social gatherings that I find myself attending. My writing has reached a prolific spike and I'm churning out new pieces left and right. Things are just good. Jump around Diaryland; look at some diaries. You'll see the increase in joyous tone when someone has some attention in their lives, the lack of it when not. Why do we constantly have to define ourselves by others? If things go wrong tomorrow (I put my foot in my mouth or she wakes up one day and looks at me and goes "Fucking Christ, what was I thinking?") I'll hurt for it and I'll feel bad and maybe even sad for a while. But I'm still me. This positive, stronger me that I've become as of late. I can still see the world with a joyous eye. Or can I? Look at the numbers, people. Read the entries, between the lines. Maybe this phenomena of living/feeling through others is part of who we are as a species. That's tragic, but also somewhat beautiful. It's nice to know that as a person, you need people, because the converse must be true. As a person in a world full of people, you are needed. Did this just become the last two minutes of an episode of Jerry Springer? I gotta go. 7:50 p.m. - 2004-07-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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