ericboy's Diaryland Diary

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\"Scrambling over it / my knees all skinned and trees / in my hair / tired old eyes\" - Onelinedrawing

My birthday vacation is ending today. Tomorrow it's back to work and being so not special, so not the man of the hour, each subsequent day being so not my special day. Not that it holds any weight anymore. When you're a kid and you scream at a passerby or store clerk, "Hey, it's my special day!" they smile and say, "Well, good for you. Have a happy one." When you're 27 and you do that, they press charges.
I managed to spend all of my money. SURPRISE!!! I'm quite good at that. All part of my anti-male image. "Well, no I'm not really into cars, sports, or hunting. Shopping? Fuck, yeah! I can blow money like nobody's business. Why? You got some?"
I played a kick-ass show with the band on the birthday, which was great. They sang happy birthday and then poured a beer over my head. I felt like I'd just won the SuperBowl. Then I had burritos with a friend. The next day, hardly anyone called me, and I finally had to track someone down to spend time with me, and pay for all of his drinks. It was so lonely. We went out dancing and looking for something to fuck, but my heart wasn't in it. When the time came to leave with some females, I declined and went home alone. My heart just wasn't in it.
I'm tired of this meaningless pursuit of tail and trash. I want to meet someone that fascinates me, that keeps me interested, without keeping me guessing. That's a fascination I could do without. I want someone to make me take notice of them, make me work to excel for them. I want someone to drool over, even knowing they're mine. Someone that I'm always looking forward to seeing, even when they're waiting at home for me. I want someone to complete me. Is that too much to ask?
Right now, yes. I don't have the time or economic stability to keep something like that afloat. Even if I did, I don't think I'd know what to do with it. I'm trying to be productive; to produce. Happiness is not conducive to that. I wish that it were, but it's not. I need to hold on to my damage for as long as I can. I need it to create. Damn, that's pathetic.
I'm not drunk enough for this life.

5:09 p.m. - 2005-08-24

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