ericboy's Diaryland Diary

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\"Did you get my other letters? / Sometimes I think that I should call / 'Cause you know I often wonder if you open them at all\" - Ben Folds Five

Band practice tonight was exhausting. We're working on a new song, and everytime we think we've got it, we hear it again and realize that it's not as good as it could be. So we start over. Exhausting. However, the end result will be killer.
I've been exhausted in general lately. I haven't written in well over a month. A friend of mine keeps finishing these one-act plays every couple of days as if to incite jealousy or a sense of urgency in me, but I've yet to be stirred. I'm at one of those "eh" spots where I just kind of do what's expected and little else.
I spent $43.10 the other day on a cab ride to tell a girl that I didn't want to see her anymore. I didn't want to just ignore her in hopes that she'd go away or let it go over the phone. So, I shelled out forty-three bucks to tell her to her face. It didn't go well. I don't think that she realizes it's over. God, I hope she does. I hate doing this shit. I shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place, but therein lies the problem. I didn't think I was "involved". Apparently, I was. I should just swear off women for a while. At least until I get a car. If I'm not doing something at any given moment, I'm in transit to do something. With a car, I can find an hour or two each day to devote to someone or something. As it is right now, I have no time. I made that clear to her, she just chose not to get it. I also thought that I made it clear that I wasn't in the market for anything serious, as I had neither the time nor the energy for such an endeavor. This, as well, she chose not to get.
I really don't get it. I'm not a catch. I'm an emotional dwarf with frequent bouts of laziness that have me looking like warmed-over shit. But these women just get their little minds set on me and thinking that I'm something worth holding onto, when I'm clearly not. I can't stand myself half the time. How can they? What is it that makes them think that I'm "relationship material"? I'm not a bad-boy, but I'm not a good person, either. I'm a flawed shithead in the middle, like most of the other blatant fucksticks out there. Can't they see that?
I don't know. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. Maybe I'm giving them too much credit. Maybe I'm bitching about something that most guys wouldn't bitch about. But, fuck, I don't like hurting people. I don't like being so "emotionally unavailable". I don't like not knowing what I want, then reaching for what I think I do, finding out it isn't, and finding it difficult to set it down again without breaking it. It sucks.
Next Wednesday, I play L.A. It's an all-ages venue in downtown Los Angeles with another San Diego band and two bands from the area. I'm very excited. Then we record the Sunday afterwards. Things are going very well there. Why can't the rest of my life balance itself accordingly? Wouldn't that be nice?
I should probably sleep. I have work tomorrow. And, as I said, I'm exhausted. Perhaps the next two weeks will be better. These past two have been too ... odd.

1:11 a.m. - 2005-02-18

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