ericboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- \"Embody me / with your body / I've never seen it / Are you happy?\" - Glassjaw I've been listening to Glassjaw for about an hour now. Despite their overtly misogynistic lyrics and crushing guitars accompanied by an equally-crushing frontman's distended yelps, they bring me at peace. I like to sing along, exorcising all the hurt and loneliness and palpable emptiness inside me; my hollow voice resonating on the oak-stained ceiling and bleeding into the white bricks that comprise two walls of my room. The shows premeire on Friday and I feel ready. The rest of the cast I'm not so sure about. It's been a very odd and rocky rehearsal schedule, with a lot of members having previous conflicts or situations developing within the run of rehearsals. I finally had my first run-through with the full cast of "Erasable" on Tuesday and it was, shall we say, uneven. But, that's neither here nor there. What is here is this stifling peculiarity that has been hanging over me for going on two weeks now. I don't know what it is, why it is bothering me, or how to make it go away. It's so peculiar because so many things are going well. I have a job that I like and I'm getting forty hours a week. I'm still broke all the time but I at least have food to eat and cigarettes to smoke. I've got these two shows that I'm in going up this weekend. I've got my show casting on Tuesday and I just re-worked the script to have an even more impactful ending, which I'm excited about. I have friends who look forward to spending time with me. What's the fucking problem? Is it that there are so many things within arms reach that I don't feel worthy enough to extend my grasp and hold? Yeah, that's about it. Within mere inches from me are a promotion, a stellar stage production, a new vocal career with experienced and cultured musicians, possibly even the ability to go on a date. But I don't trust myself enough to sieze any of these opportunities. Because I think I'm a failure. And the thinking that I'm a failure makes me a failure. I won't try because I know that I won't succeed. So, that's what I've been dealing with, lately. I've been going about my daily routine: work, rehearsal, socializing, eating, sleeping. I smile and go through the motions and all the while, in the back of my head, I hear "You're gonna lose. You're gonna lose. You're gonna lose. You're gonna lose. You're gonna lose." Do you have any idea how fucking nerve-wracking that is? I do. And because of it, I'm gonna lose. 11:18 p.m. - 2004-06-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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