ericboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Monroe Street Moron Everytime I start getting really whiney; I mean, make you want to slap me and give me a pacifier whiney, something shows to up to put me in check and incite my self-loathing to soar to uncharted levels. I get to bitching and complaining about my sorry life and "Boo hoo, I'm so alone. No one will ever love me. Boo hoo. I'm ugly; I hate myself; I don't have a car; boo hoo." I see something to remind me that I am nothing more than another spoon-fed white boy who's pissed off that he doesn't have a Jaguar or the new Rage Against the Machine record. At Monroe street this morning, a mentally retarded man boarded the bus. He was wrapping up a cell phone conversation, which allowed me two observations: 1) He can USE a cell phone; a Nokia 5156. I know mentally-capable people who shriek in horror at the sight of that thing and their ineptitude with it, and 2) How extremely slowly he talked. He chose his words well, but it just took a long time for his brain and mouth to form the words. Like when Dory was talking whale in "Finding Nemo", only not funny. He finished his conversation as he took his seat, pressed end, and offered the spot next to him to the woman who leapt up when she saw him board. He ramarked "You got up awfully quick, there." It was evident that he was actually somewhat intelligent. And that's what got me. Imagine it: a keen mind trapped in this flawed shell, causing everyone to judge you and fear you or just try their best to ignore you. I spent all of my conscious thought on not bursting into tears and screaming at the other passengers on the bus: "JUST LOOK AT HIM, YOU WORTHLESS SACKS OF CRAP!! QUIT AVERTING YOUR EYES AND LOOK AT HIM!! HE'S A PERSON WITH THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AND HE DEMANDS A LITTLE BIT OF YOUR FUCKING RESPECT. I DARE SAY ALL OF IT, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!! LOOK AT HIM!!" I got off the bus at my stop and ran the rest of the way to work, to envelop myself in the "goodmornings" and "howareyous" that illicit lies from the most honest of people. I psyched right out of it. I am a selfish, hypocritical, self-absorbed sack of shit and I should just quit my bitching and be thankful that I have an astute mind and strong conversation skills. I am capable, fit, still relatively young (despite all my quarter-life crisis bullshit) and alive. What more do I really need? I can ignore the dumpster divers and the transients like a good little city boy, but I can not stand unmoved by the mentally challenged. I've always had a big soft spot in my heart for retards. Sometimes, I wish that I could be one. Then maybe I wouldn't over-analyze everything and life could be easy for me like I'd like it to be. I'd eat when I'm hungry, sleep when I'm tired, and just focus on living my life. I haven't been this far down in a while. It's almost time to go to work. I've had this experience before, remember? http://ericboy.diaryland.com/030227_39.html Fat lot of good that did me, huh? I didn't learn a fucking thing. 7:28 p.m. - 2003-11-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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