ericboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I WANTED IT TO BE REAL THIS TIME I wanted to believe that I needed her. I needed to believe that she completed me. That she would remain interesting forever. Neurotic, but in a good way. I wanted so much for this to work. She wanted me to say "Thank God you called. I've missed you so much. Let's work this out." I wanted to say "Thank God you called. I've missed you so much. Let's work this out." But that would have been a lie and I don't want to lie to her. I wanted so much to just go through the motions forever. But that would be wrong. Not that I'm always right. The world is falling apart around me. Back home in Texas, there is disease and unease at every corner of my old life. Here remains rocky and inconsistent in an oddly repetitive way. No one day is exactly like the day previous but always startlingly similar to days passed. This is not like I read about in the brochure. Life was supposed to be an eternal learning process that never lost its appeal. At days it seems thus. At others, it just plain doesn't. I wanted to say it would be ok and I knew in a way it would be ok for about three days then my mind would sway and I wouldn't want to stay again. In the course of a fleeting moment I thought of time and Time regarded me and just laughed. She said "I don't need you and without me you're nothing." And then in her own sweet time, Time turned her tail and ran. I'm trudging through the stigma that is my fate created by those that came before me and faired no better. Parenting has been around since the dawn of man and yet we still don't know a fucking thing about it. Sure, we think we do, but we learn very quickly that we don't. And if you ever feel that you need to buy a book on the subject, then you know even less than you thought you knew. 5:07 a.m. - 2003-06-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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