ericboy's Diaryland Diary

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\"Love / Love will tear us apart again\" - Joy Division

Lately, I've been doing nothing. I listen to classical music and read books by fucked-up bitches about fucked-up people that listen to classical music and read books by fucked-up old dead guys. I go to work and clock out for lunch and think about not clocking back in. Stepping outside for some air and not coming back. I think about all the artistic shit that I don't understand. About old, classic movies that I haven't seen but should. About old loves that I haven't called but should. I think about my age, how I feel old for not having many accomplishments but young for not having any sense of urgency to accomplish them.
I wash socks that would be put to better use in the trash. I buy jackets when I've forgotten mine; any one of the four that I have hanging in my closet right now.
I think about all the things that I could be doing but I'm not. I think about all the time that I killed and I wonder why there's never enough time to do what I'd like to be doing. I wonder why my time and passions seldom align themselves with each other. I think about the days that I go without eating versus the days that I define by eating as often as possible. I think about my scars; why I have them, and how lucky I am that I don't have more. I think about getting more and accentuating them with tattoos. I think of detritus and carrion and garbage and how, one day, that's all any one of you or me will be.
Lately, I've done nothing. Because I've been too busy doing shit and reading fucked-up books. It's a paradox that I can hardly wrap my head around, and frankly don't care to.

6:18 p.m. - 2005-01-22

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